In Christ I Trust

The Potter's Hands

2011-10-11T21:08:00.002+08:00

Lord,take me, mold me, use me and fill me for Your glory.
Call me, guide me, lead me and walk beside me.

Thanks to God

2011-09-26T21:41:00.001+08:00

When Answers Aren't Enough

2011-09-11T18:59:00.000+08:00

Returning to Your Failure

2011-09-10T16:56:00.004+08:00

Simon answered, "Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets."

The Lord spoke timely to me again...

Personalised:-

"Jesus often gets my undivided attention when I fail. He sometimes takes me back to the place of defeat in order to build something good into my life..... Perhaps my problem was that I relied on my own strength instead of the Master's. I have failed in my relationship. Jesus will not allow me to abandon it: He will help me to learn from failure and experience the difference He can make when He guides in my relationship. When I try in God's strength, I will discover that success is indeed within my grasp."

Indeed when I experience failure, I am on the brink of receiving a profound revelation from God.

Thank you Lord for the lighting and tunderbolt that jerked me up. Thank you for the storm in the midst now that allowed me to experience peace - Your peace and calmness. Thank You Lord for allowing me to turn back to you - often at times when I fail.

I pray Lord, speak to me . Convict me of Your ways, Your will.
Let my mind and my heart speak,"Master, I've worked hard all these years and haven't bore fruits.But because you say so, I will let down the nets."

放手交給他

2011-09-08T15:03:00.001+08:00

What have we done wrong?

2011-01-31T21:34:00.002+08:00

Had a bad day and I didnt even raised my voice much. Positive reinforcement, Negative reinforcement. What went wrong? Did we give him too much attention? Not enough patience? Not enough praise? Not enough reasoning? What went wrong?
Perhaps its always easier to comment. To give theories.It hurts to hear, " The kid is bullying you. He is manipulating both of you." It hurts to be a monster. What went wrong? We had showered him with love. We tried the soft method. We tried the hard method. Perhaps not hard enough. Lord, help us. Grant us wisdom Father.

18th January 2011

2011-01-19T00:07:00.003+08:00

It was a great day! He was almost angelic today! Thank God.
Lord, continue to grant us wisdom and patience in dealing with your child ;o)

I want to remember His words that brought me through the days

2011-01-15T22:57:00.009+08:00

12 th January 2011
In His Time, In His Time, HE makes all things beautiful in His time....
Yes Lord, indeed in your time, you will make him beautiful. Lord, in Your time, he will see his own beauty within himself.

13th January 2011
The toughest struggle with him yet - 2.5 hours. For the first time, I lifted my hands - a tool I resolved not to use on him. I had to today. With a burdened heart, I held his little hand and took him away. He followed meekly, almost in an angelic way.
We love because He first loved us - 1 John 4:19. It dawned on me - he may be behaving this way because he had never experienced love and acceptance.
He will learnt to love because we first loved him. Lord, grant us extra wisdom, extra strength and immense patience.

14th January 2011
Then the LORD spoke to Moses and to Aaron, and gave them a charge to the sons of Israel and to Pharaoh king of Egypt, to bring the sons of Israel out of the land of Egypt - Gen 6:13
Lord, you have given us a charge over your precious child. Help us Lord to bring him out of chaos and into your loving arms.

歐得洋-孤單北半球

2010-11-08T23:03:00.000+08:00

When I survey the Wondrous Cross

2010-11-07T18:53:00.007+08:00

The sky was so dark and it was raining. It has been a long long time since I saw such dark sky. It seems to reflect my feelings, my mood. Its weird that I am so strangely calm and level minded. Despite the overcast sky, I feel comforted.

Dear Lord Jesus,

You see the depth of my heart. May your will be done and grant me the strength to be part of your perfect plan.

In Jesus' name, amen.

Show me Your Way Lord.

2010-09-09T17:17:00.002+08:00

Show me Your ways
That I may walk with You
Show me Your ways
I put my hope in You

The cry of my heart
Is to love You more
To live with the
Touch of Your hand
Stronger each day
Show me Your ways

Dear Lord Jesus,

Indeed show me Your ways that I may walk with You. The cry of my heart is to love You more Lord, to live in the touch of your Hands, stronger each day Lord, Show me Your ways.

Your child.

Last Moments

2010-08-19T22:11:00.002+08:00

My greatgrandmother has passed away for more than 4 months. Wounds however seem raw. I still hold back tears when I see an elderly. I still hold back tears when I think of her. I even think if I would ever bump into her on the street. I often think what it was like in her last days. As she was sedated, i often ponder what is going through her mind? Is she aware that we were with her? Can she hear us? Can she feel us? Is she comfortable? Is she aware of our conversations? Is there anything she wanted to say, to tell but couldnt?
I often recall her last words when she was awake. She said, ' I have a lot to say, but i dont know how to say.' She left it as that. She took her thoughts along with her.
Even when she suffered a stroke and went unconscious, she wanted to live. She shouted for a doctor.
What went through her mind then?

I blame myself. I hate myself for not talking more with her. I am guilty when I didnt want to talk about death, even when she did. I blame myself for not being able to get her out of the hospital into a nursing home - her last wish. She only wanted to get out.

What was on her mind? Did she blame me?

I couldnt even bring myself to look at her waist pouch she left behind.

I wonder, whats on her mind then?

She is a strong lady.

2010-06-21T16:26:00.015+08:00

Indeed she is. She is strong and fiercely independent lady. Many people - doctors, nurses, friends have commented that she is a strong lady. She hung on despite a collasped lung. She suffered a stroke. She was on morphine. They finally sedated her. On 6th April, she stopped breathing for at least 20 seconds. This pattern continued for a while. She hung on. Docs prognosis wasnt good. He asked us to call everyone down. That was on 6th April, afternoon. All of us were there. Palliative doctor asked us to be prepared - its either the evening or in the night. At most, it will be next morning. We have gotten the pastor ready. We were prepared. That was on 6th April, Tuesday.

Strong lady she is. She hung on. Her organs were shutting. She fought on. Every visitor, every medical staff - the doctors, the nurses commented that she is a strong lady. They were amazed at her fighting spirit, her determination and her will to fight on. She hung on for another 3 days. She is a living miracle.

This is a balloon I bought for her, after figuring out that fresh flowers die easily. For the 3 weeks since I bought the balloon, it stood tall and straight. I always thought someone has been bringing it to the gift shop at the lobby to have the helium pump. Then, as i asked my family, relatives and the nurses, apparently none has been doing it. It stood tall and straight for 3 WHOLE WEEKS.
A strong balloon too. I brought it down to have it pumped after the 3rd week. It didnt last long. The next day, 5th April, i learnt that her left lung collasped. The balloon lost air too.

It seems silly, but somehow, the balloon seems to parallel her journey. It stood straight and upright, cheering for her. It stood straight and upright, lifting her spirits ( or rather mine) during her stay there. The day they found that her left lung collasped, it (the balloon) seemed to have shared the despair. It lose hope. It lose strength.

I didnt have it pumped again. i told everyone - the day the balloon loses all its air, it would also be the day that she will go. I hung on to the balloon. It gave me hope, yet i know she will go.

On 8th April, I flatten the balloon that night. She left. She has indeed got well in His presence. There is no more pain, no more tears, no more heartaches. She is well again indeed.

She is a strong lady and so will I be. We will meet again in heaven.

Her will

2010-06-05T21:53:00.003+08:00

I dont know how to title this post, thus decided to name it 'Her will'. Afterall, we often link will to dividing a deceased's money.
Almost 2 months after she left, i finally sat down to work out the expenses and divided the remaining amount among her 3 grandchildren.

It amazed me on how an old lady like her could have accumulated almost $9000 ++ at her age. She was a frugal lady. As i took out her spare notes and coins from her pouch, i remembered a conversation we had. I couldnt exactly understand her thoughts, but it went along the line in not wanting the SMRT to earn her few cents. She had a elderly concession card and according to her, the concession was not valid during certain hours in the weekend. Thus, she claimed that she can save a few cents if she uses coins rather than her EZ link conceession card on non-concession period. That explains her heavy pouch with spare notes and coins.

She left some money for her decendents. I felt ashamed. During her stay in the hospital, there were plans to transfer her to a nursing home. We applied for a subsided nursing home, but due to the long waiting list, we had to move her to a private home first. A private nursing home is expensive, easily costing up at $ 2000 a month. As i was sourcing around and making the arrangement, i was concern about the cost. I was concern about the drain in my finances. It was a valid concern then. Yet, now as I divided her money, a deep sense of guilt came over me. I was concern about the finances she will incur during the stay in the nursing home, yet, now, i didnt fork out a single cent for the private nursing home, and in addition, she left money. I decided to divide it among her 3 grandchildren, i.e my uncle, my auntie and my mother. She left us something even when we gave her nothing.

That's my greatgrandmother.Frugal and selfless.

At a coffee joint

2010-05-09T14:56:00.002+08:00

Today I went to a morning service and am now at a coffee joint - Gloria Jean's at Changi Airport.

As I am doing my lesson plans for next week, memories of my times at Starbucks Tan Tock Seng Hospital started flooding back.

I was at TTSH-Starbucks on the day Ah Chor was admitted.
I was at TTSH-Starbucks on the day Ah Chor departed.

27th Feburary, Saturday 2010.
After a very hectic week at the start of my teaching practicum and night classes everyday at YWAM, I finally caught my breath, visited my greatgrandmother with the intention of bringing her to the doctor to get a referral to a nursing home.

She was staying alone. I rang the bell and she opened the door. I am thankful. She walked and opened the door. She took a few bites of breakfast we bought her and we took her to Ang Mo Kio Polyclinic. Her blood pressure was very low and the doctor advised us to bring her to TTSH A & E immediately. The transfer from the wheelchair to the taxi were the last steps of her life.

That day, I waited for almost 5 hours in TTSH-Starbucks while she waited for a bed for admission in the ward. While she was resting in the waiting area, she said, "I am happy now. I dont mind dying here."
She hated the hospital and was resistant towards admission.
This time, she was too weak to resist. She was in comfort.

That marks the start of a long journey.

8th April, Thursday 2010.
Ironically, I was at TTSH Starbucks on the day she departed.
I took leave that day and was with her in the ward. I felt really sleepy in the humid weather and decided to perk myself up with a cup of coffee in the airconditioned Starbucks, while trying to do my lesson plans and resources for my lessons. I left around 3.30pm.
My mum visited at 4 plus. I was really tired and couldnt resist the idea of hitching a ride home in my dad's car. Afterall, my aunt will be arriving soon. I went up to say goodbye to greatgrandma and took some disposable cutlery back. That was the last time I spoke to her.

I blame myself for succumbing to tiredness.
I could have spend more time with her.

That night, she breathed her last.

I was at TTSH-Starbucks on the day she was admitted to Heaven.

I want 'you chay kway'

2010-04-21T21:49:00.003+08:00

This is my greatgrandma's favourite food during her stay in the hospital - her all-time request. The only food she claims she can eat without vomiting. However she only manages 1 - 2 cm at any one time. That makes up a meal. Only a mouth full, but we were glad, she was eating.

26th March 2010 Friday.
She caught another infection and doctors' prognosis wasnt good. I took half day leave and went down. She requested for 'you chay kway' in the morning. I asked a colleague to buy when she goes out for lunch. The 'you chay kway' stall was closed that day. This wonderful colleague went to a dessert stall and got some.

That was the last day my greatgrandma ate her favourite 'you chay kway'.
Thank you Gladys for your kind heart.

Novena

2010-04-18T21:19:00.004+08:00

For the first time since she left, i took the south bound train and past the Novena station on the MRT. I was on my way to church.

It hurts.

I was trying to fight back tears with the announcement, 'Novena'. It brought back memories when i took the almost daily trip to Tan Tock Seng Hospital. I remembered the times when i brought the Polar puffs and gobbled them down as my dinner as i was walking to the hosp. The long underground pass leading to the hosp. It was tiring and i remembered the many thougths of 'Oh God, when will she be discharged? How long more do i need to walk this long and winding path to the hospital?'

Novena. Novena Square. Tan Tock Seng. That was where i frequent for the past 1.5 months.
Kenny Rogers @ Novena Square. She likes the clear chicken soup and the rooaster wings. Even though she could only barely manage 3 bites at any one meal.
Kenny Rogers - my all time favourite resturant. I wonder if i would ever step in there again without tears and memories of Ah Chor.

Novena. Such a familiar station.....

Such a long and winding path.
Lord, what wouldnt I give to be able to walk that long winding underground pass once again just to hold her, talk to her and listen to her? Just to rub the flower oil on her chest, buy food for her, massage her side, paste her favourite Ji Kong medicated plaster for her? Just to take hot water for her, adjust her pillow and make sure she is comfortable?

Oh Lord, you are the strength of my heart.

Bereavement

2010-04-13T20:53:00.003+08:00

I have never knew bereavement is so hard, especially with someone so close, so dear.

My greatgrandmother returned to the Lord last Thursday, 8th April at 2301, after a fight of 1 month 12 days with suspected lung cancer.We never had it investigated as no treatment can be administered. She is 93 years old. Oh, we then realised she is 91 when we were doing the craving on the slab for the niche. They followed her chinese zodiac - goat. That puts her at 91 years old. It was then exposed that she had to 'increase' her age so as to travel to Malaysia (from China) at the point of time.

I cannot cry. I am in the midst of my teaching practicum. I have 2 observations this week. I feel so disoriented and lost. Yes, i know i need time to grief, but not now. I cant. I have tasks to do, responsibilities to fulfill.

Every thought of her draws tears. It is so tough. Every piece of work that i am doing now reminds me of the time i spent in the ward with her - doing my markings,drafting my lesson plans, typing my diagnostic summaries etc. Even the scribbles of my lesson plan on the day she departed left imprints of her perimeter readings at 3pm - heartrate was 80, BP was 104/49. Her oxygen was 100% (on the oxygen mask). She was running a fever of 38.6 degrees.

I know I cannot grief now. Crying will make me tired. I need to move on and complete my teaching practicum. It is so hard. I know I cannot cry. It will just further drain me. Yet I am so afraid memories of her will just die off. I am so afraid she will just fade away - her words, her advice, her smiles, her 'Thank Yous', her 'complains', HER. It is so painful.

I dont really talk about it, lest i break down. I dont know how to express in speech. Thus i just hope to use this avenue to journal down my little thoughts of her. Perhaps then memories will be kept afresh. Perhaps then i may feel a little better.

I miss her alot.

Let's pray for her.

2009-12-02T23:06:00.005+08:00

Teenager missing from Girls Home
Posted: 01 December 2009 1832 hrs

Missing - Ang Wei Ling

Singapore: A 14-year-old girl has gone missing and the Police are appealing for information on her whereabouts.

The girl named Ang Wei Ling was last seen at Mattar Road at the Andrew and Grace Home. This was on Wednesday, November 18 at about 11.30am.

She is described as plump, tanned and standing 1.5 metres tall.

The teen who sports dark hair, was last seen dressed in a white T-shirt, black and white cardigan, and black shorts.

Anyone with information on the missing girl should call the Police Hotline at 1800-255-0000.

- CNA

http://www.channelnewsasia.com/stories/singaporelocalnews/view/1021779/1/.html

Fruit of the Spirt

2009-09-28T13:18:00.000+08:00

追

2009-08-31T23:57:00.001+08:00

My love will get you home

2009-08-25T22:01:00.002+08:00

Simple Pleasures that kept me.

2009-07-05T12:36:00.007+08:00

Coffee machine in the staffroom. It cost $1 and I wouldnt allow myself to spurge on it when i can get an equally good Nescafe sachet for $0.20. On the last week of the term before the June Holidays, I treated my dearest 2 colleagues and myself a cup each. It kept me awake.

My mini provision box under my table in the staff room. This was what kept me through in April and May when I had to skip lunch almost everyday. It kept my sanity.

Little treats.Big joys. McDonald's breakfast, Jagabee chips, Pringles, Doreamon from colleagues and friends.Their love kept me through April and May. They kept my smile.

I am treasured. Flower from my student. This warmed my heart.

Dear Lord, I am thankful. I am thankful for Your abundant love showered upon me. I am thankful for the wonderful people you have placed in my life ...to cheer me on, to encourage me, to love. Thank You Father.

They are family

2009-05-18T22:35:00.005+08:00

A quick update.......

Just came home from a 16-hour work day(with a total of 40mins for my breakfast, lunch and dinner), with every inch of my body and brain totally drained out. With another 16-hour day tomorrow as one of my colleagues is on MC.

Why work so hard? I dont have to.

Yes, i dont have to. In the midst of the crazy deadlines - Individualised Education Plans (IEPs),Outcome Management (OMs), assessments, lesson plans, Site visits, On-job support, Softskills Workshops,Work Experience Program, Softskills Training, Parents - Teachers Conference....... I dont have to.

" You are not earning a CEO pay! "

"Yah, I don't have to."

Indeed, I dont have to. Every physical inch of me seems to be screaming...... I dont have to. I dont have to work so hard. I dont have to deal with heartaches.

Disheartened. Discouraged. I dont have to.

Family-work balance.

I love my family very much. I love my boyfriend very much. I love my friends and my siblings in Christ very much. And yes, i love my students very much.

I dont have to. Why go that extra mile for the students?Why cheer them on when they give up on themselves? Why pull them along when they stop moving forward? Why encourage them when they despair? Why love and get hurt? Why get shouted at and keep silent?

Yes, i do get very very discouraged and disheartened many a times. I dont have to put up with ungratefulness, verbal abuse, physical torment, bad attitudes and even to humble myself just to build relationships. I dont have to.

Then it dawned on me today, Yes, i dont have to. But I want to. Family - work balance? Yes, i want to because my students are family.

Lord, help me, teach me Lord to love them as you loved me. Guide me Lord, as i move along these weeks, help me to do EVERYTHING for your glory. Grant me joy Lord as i move along my way. Lord,bestow me wisdom and patience.

I dreamed a dream

2009-04-17T23:01:00.002+08:00

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high,
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.

Then I was young and unafraid
When dreams were made and used,
And wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung,
No wine untasted.

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hopes apart
As they turn your dreams to shame.

And still I dream he'll come to me
And we will live our lives together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms
We cannot weather...

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seems
Now life has killed
The dream I dreamed.

I've got peace like a river

2009-04-08T20:47:00.003+08:00

It's strange how songs reached into our hearts at the most unexpected moments. I was actually humming and skipping out of the school hall when the live band started playing this song for the assembly talk.(too bad I had a meeting and cant stay for the talk ;P) I've learned this song in my primary school days but hearing it in different seasons of my life bought different meanings to the song. Today, it simply reminded me to be joyful, yes, i am learning to be joyful even in my super packed and crazy days ;o)

Create in me a clean heart, O God

2009-03-22T17:07:00.003+08:00

Create in me a pure heart, O God and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Dear Lord, as i start the new school term tomorrow, help me to see and experience You in each and every one of the students.Remove my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh.Thank You Jesus.

Create in me a clean heart Oh God
and renew a right spirit within me (2x)

Cast me not away from thy presence, o Lord
And take not thy holy spirit from me
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation
And renew a right spirit within me

Today I ran two frightful marathons.

2009-02-12T20:38:00.005+08:00

"Teacher, only 3mins 55 seconds"

Today, I ran. I ran for lives.

First, a student with muscular dystrophy (from my class) had a miscommunication and was seen climbing up the stairs. My first thought was to get to him as falling off the stairs may mean life and death.I left the rest of the class in the classroom and ran for him.

Second, another student slipped out of the class in the middle of the lesson and ran. Again, i left my class and sprinted after him.Never had I ran so fast down the four storeys, around the corriders - only to arrive just in a split second to get him before he walked into the 'forbidden' fire access stairways which is a complete blindspot from the school. (It is a fire access stairways with doors that claim to block out fires) I would have lost him had he entered the stairways. I thought I had lost myself then when I raised my voice to scold him.

3mins 55seconds. That was the amount of time i took down the stairways,up the stairways, along the corridors,plus a scolding.

Both marathons in less than an hour.

Lord, thank you for giving a healthy body and a healthy pair of legs. Thank you for your timely intervention. The consequences could have been disastrous. Thank you Father for watching over us today.Help me Lord, grant me wisdom. PLease Lord, continue to watch over us.In Jesus' most precious name, Amen.

He hears and answers our prayers

2009-02-11T21:34:00.005+08:00

"Dear Lord, give us a taxi," I uttered simply.
"Huh, like that also can? Here wouldn't have taxis loh."

We were drenched in the heavy rain, on a small side road.

Shortly, "Uncle, Kitchener Road,"

In this very simple providence of a taxi, He revealed His glory. He hears us, and He answers our cries.

Dear girl, coincidence you may say, but I pray that in this little episode, you will come to understand and experience that He hears us when we turn to Him. He hears and answers our prayers.

Just for today, I once again wish ......

2009-02-03T21:28:00.009+08:00

I have since grown up to know that fairies, brownies, elves and gnomes dont exist. However, today, i wish i could believe in them again. I wish to have the simple innocence and faith again. I wish to believe that even as i am writing this, pixies are dancing around the bonfire, that Noel, the Know-All Gnome is still tending the garden. Today, just for today, i wish to be in fairyland - to have that child-like belief and trust that the tooth fairy does exist - to have that eagerness and anticipation that on a chilly night like today, i can spot one of them on the window still. I wish that as i fall asleep tonight, my soft toys will protect me. I dont often use this word, 'wish' anymore. But just for today, i once again wish.....

i recalled my tutor's words many many years ago - 'However, you must also remember that you are living in a real world. You have to work hard, in fact very hard to be successful.'

One Thing Have I Desired

2009-02-02T21:10:00.001+08:00

It's Psalm 27:4 (not quite verbatim)

One thing have I desired of the Lord
That will I seek after
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord
All the days of my life

To behold the beauty
The beauty of the Lord
To inquire in His temple
The temple of the Lord

Sometimes When We Touch - Dan Hill

2009-01-18T20:54:00.000+08:00

Grow

2009-01-15T21:46:00.005+08:00

I heard Him again today when He spoke to me through a friend who gave me this bookmark. Indeed Lord, even when things get tough, help me to grow and bear fruits.

'Then you should be alright ;)'

2009-01-14T21:51:00.006+08:00

My heart skipped a beat when I received this sms. Simple words that dugged right into my ugly and selfish heart.

It all began like this - I was in the midst of making a tough decision - to give up my room and my bed for a night or so. To give it up for a family unrelated to me.

This is my bargain with God -

"Yes Lord, I am willing to share my room.I have a mattress, they can sleep on the floor. I can give them pillows and comforters."

"Is this the best hospility you can give to this family in distress?"

"Ok.They can sleep on my bed. I can sleep on the floor with the comforters"

"Is this the best you can offer?"

"Yes Lord, where else do you want me to sleep?"

"My child, I want you to give up your room."

Meanwhile,I called my parents and sister. I received the anticipated response,"Yes, they can come over for the night."
But I didnt expect the second half, "Yes you can move over to our rooms to sleep for the night." - with an answer like that, that means two rooms - I can choose to sleep either with my parents or my sister.

"But Lord, I am tired. I haven't been sleeping well the past few nights. I needed a rest. They can find alternative. You knew I was looking for a good night rest tonight. It will be such a warm and cozy night with my soft toys."

"Child, I have given you a beautiful room. Would you offer it to Me for a night?"

"But God....." I sulked.

Still refusing to give in, I solicited help from various sources....calling whichever numbers I thought would offer a glimpse of hope.

Finally, a friend replied, " It shouldn't be a problem. But what's your last resort if I couldnt take them in?"

"If you really can't, then I would give up my room for them."

"Ok. You're ok ya?"

"No No. I am not ok. I will miss my soft toys and my bed." I replied, with all seriousness.

Then it came the message:Oh ok. Then you should be alright ;)

Alright I shall be.

I thought I was nice. Afterall, I know many who aren't even willing to open their houses to people.
But He has a different standard. Just when I thought I was ok, He challenged me a little beyond my comfort zone.

Dear Lord, here, use my room and my bed. This is my love to You. Yes Lord, alright I shall be with You.
Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace i its various forms. - 1 Peter 4:9-10

Heartaches

2009-01-14T21:12:00.004+08:00

Many years ago while i was still a student doing my Industrial Attachment as a social worker in a Voluntary Welfare Organisation (VWO), I once said I would leave the social service sector straight away if ever my heart turns cold or indifferent towards the clients.

Many times, God in His gentle manner reminded me of this committment. When a social worker friend visited me in Cambodia after I was there for a year and a half, I poured out my heart, sharing that my heart was cold and I needed a rest desperately. I confidently said I would not return to a social service agency for at least the next few years.

Rested I did.
Returned to a VWO I did.

Today, a colleague reminded me,"Siew Lee, you need to learn to let go and take things easy.You must not pent up your emotions. You must ventilate out, else you will become crazy."

A week ago, I received yet another heartbreaking disappointment.

Sad I was.
Confused I was.
Disappointed I was.

Yet, I am thankful. Yes Lord, it shows I am only human. Yes Lord, it shows i am only but Your servant, placed in where You desire.

Lord, i want to return to You, receive me as your servant

2008-12-11T18:41:00.005+08:00

Sometimes it takes little things in life to draw our attention back to our mighty God. This day, the taps ran dry again. I was in my church camp in a resort in Malaysia. It struck me. It struck me on how i had forgotten His love. I remembered giving thanks each and every day when i turned on the taps in Cambodia. Each morning when there is water, i know He had provided. However after returning for a year and a half, i adpated back to the lifestyle in Singapore. I forgotten to give thanks.
I remembered His love. Lord, I want to return to you. Receive me as one of your servants.

Now i understand. Teach me Lord.

2008-09-22T21:29:00.006+08:00

Judging others.

I have been thinking. Dear Lord, many times i hear you, but i just cant do it. Many times i understood Your ways, but i just cant follow.

Comprehend? Yes i do. Practice? Sorry, it's too difficult.

My boys, now i understand. You do hear me and understood the consequences. But when temptations get real, you just cant resist.

Regrets? Yes.

Doubts? Yes.

I question your sincerity.

Lord, forgive me for judging. Forgive me looking at the speck of sawdust in my brothers' eyes and yet paying no attention to the plank in my own eye. Teach me to extend mercy. Teach me to extend grace.Teach me to deny myself. Teach me dear Lord, to love even when it goes against my will and comfort.

Choices. Consequences.

2008-09-17T20:48:00.003+08:00

Dear Lord, i dont understand. I dont understand why. After so many warnings, so many chances. They knew the consequences, yet, they chose their options. They knew the outcomes, yet they chose their ways.

Theft. The lure of money. The pitfall of greed.

Fired.
Homeless.
Confined.
Jailed.

Four youths made their choices in isolation. They are now facing the consequences.
Four, is four too many. What will their future hold?
I am disturbed. Is choice and consequence too high a cognitive concept to comprehend?

Dear Lord Jesus, I pray, please teach us ways to reach your children. Teach us to love and discipline them as you love and discipline us. Grant us wisdom Lord to extend a firm hand when it is needed. Grant us extra patience Lord to listen to them. Teach us Lord to extend mercy and grace. Teach us humility to understand their struggles. Soften us Lord that we may see them in your image.Use us Lord.

Forgiveness

2008-09-09T21:44:00.003+08:00

'Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother, then come and offer your gift' - Matthew 5:23-24

This is a familiar verse to me and i simply brushed it aside when i read it last week during one of my Quiet Moments with God.

'Lord, i am not angry with anyone. There isnt anyone that i need to reconcile with. I couldnt think of anyone who would be angry with me too.'

I was wrong.

God in His loving discipline had to be reveal this to me in the most unexpected manner. I was forced to come face to face with the issue, seemingly buried deep within me. It has been almost 10 years. i had grown. But I still couldnt comprehend. I refused to love freely. I was cautious.i held to my rights to feel hurt.I refused to forgive. Time numbed the pain, but it didnt heal. I know i had to make a choice.

Lord, would you please help me. Help me to forgive them, help me to forgive myself. Help me to surrender my rights to anger, my rights to hurts and my rights to pains. Help me Lord, to love as you love me. Help me Lord to serve, as you called me.

Dear friends, how are you doing recently?

2008-08-24T01:08:00.007+08:00

Everything I do, I do it for you (Bryan Adams)

Had a song that never fails to warm your heart?

My heart warmed and skipped a beat when i heard this song over the radio today. Perhaps it is a cold night and the warmth comforted me.It brought back beautiful and sweet memories..... memories when i first heard this song - sung to me almost a decade ago. I couldnt exactly remember how i felt then, but i know it is sweet.

Out of the blue as i was travelling on the crowded MRT today, i thought of another very dear friend whom i dont often contact. I dont often think of her, but today, just today, i missed her and wondered how she is doing.It has been many many years and i know she wouldnt change her number. I sent her a sms, strangely ending the msg with my name - just in case she doesnt have my number anymore.She replied saying "Tks.I'm fine too.Was just toking abt you with xxx yester.......U always like children so it didnt came as a surprise that u r teaching now.How's teaching 4 u?Plan 2 return 2 social svs sector?"
It touched me that a friend who is seemingly far away cared enough to even talked about me with someone else.It is heartwarming to be reminded that a friend knows me - my likes and dislikes, my good and bad. Bittersweet memories of our times together were retrieved in my mind.

As i ponder tonight, i am thankful for the numerous sweet and bitter memories that i had. I am thankful for the numerous friends who loved me unconditionally. I am thankful for events past that moulded me into what i am today.

Dear friends, how are you doing lately?

I will lift up my eyes to the hills - where does my help comes from?

2008-07-29T20:55:00.004+08:00

This psalm was shared to me a day apart from 2 different people.Thank you Father, for this reminder that you are still in control and that my help comes from You alone.

These weeks have been overwhelming for me. Perhaps it is my own expectations. Perhaps it is my own anxieties. Perhaps it is my time management. Perhaps i had learned to ignore it. Perhaps, perhaps. Perhaps. But i know it is time to make changes in my life ....NOW!

Thank God for the wake up call last saturday when i broke down and cried during my church activity - in the public. We were in the midst of a game - 'Block Catching', they call it. The flat just seems so daunting, too overwhelming. Fear gripped me. When i was left all alone on the 12th floor, my thoughts scare me. Paralysed. I cried. I was scared. Somehow thinking back, i have never felt that despair, that lost and that darkness before.

It really scares me.

I know it is time to make changes now.

Lord, You will be my strength and shield.

There is a time for everything ......a time to weep and a time to LAUGH .....(Ecc 3:4)

2008-07-09T20:48:00.004+08:00

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones - Proverbs 17:22

When was the last time you laughed so hard that you cried? When was the last time you laughed till your tummy aches?

WAHAHAHAHAHHA ;o)

Temptations

2008-07-07T20:33:00.002+08:00

I was young and now I am old,
yet i have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread - Psalm 37:25

Dear friend,

You broke my heart when i saw you that day - drunk. You arent like that in the past. Since i known you, that was the first time my heart turned cold during our conversation. You said things which sadden me. YOu made remarks which i didn't want to hear. You made suggestions and revealed dreams which warmed my heart. You made comments that lit a light in me. But who are you? You seemed so distant. I seemed to have forgotten you.

It's strange when i rode in your BIG car the next day. Our relationship have changed. Our status have changed. We have changed. Strangely in the short ride in the familiar dark road, i recalled that Christmas eve when we were trapped in the car - i was hungry, alone and cold. You were there. We laughed. We both missed our families, didnt we? I remembered the numerous times when the vehicles broke down. We prayed. We trusted. We survived, didnt we? I remembered those times. Those times when i couldnt call you friend yet.

Circumstances changed. Status changed. We changed. Have our values changed too?

I recalled the numerous times when we discussed about corruption. I recalled the anger we felt when we were at the mercy of those policemen, those officials, those teachers. We were indignant about it, didnt we? You had your dreams about your own country, about the future generations, about the values you want to pass on. You trusted in HIM to provide, didnt you? You held your principles in tough times, you made your tough choice when circumstances went against what you believed. YOu trusted Him to provide, didnt you? You went against the tide to hold on to your values. You fought for what you wanted - a clear conscience. You stood your ground, didnt you?

What happened? Had circumstances really changed? or have we changed? I remembered a friend once rebuking me saying,' Xiuli, don't judge. You have never been really poor before. You have never turly known hunger before. YOu have never experienced true loss, oppression and hardships before. Do not judge the people.'

Dear friend, i judge you not. But you broke His heart. You broke mine too. You broke His heart when you made excuses for your intended plans. You broke His heart when you compromised your values. You broke His heart when you chose to turn away from Him. Dear friend, it is still not too late. You remembered our session on Right and Wrong, don't you? You said you did. PLease dont take the wrong turn. Our Lord has said," Turn from evil and do good; then you will dwell in the land forever. For the Lord loves the just and will not forsake his faithful ones. They will be protected forever, but the offspring of the wicked will be cut off; the righteous will inherit the land and dwell in it forever." (Psalm 37:27 - 29)

Dear friend, it is still not too late. Turn back, please turn back.

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you;never will i forsake you." So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" - Hebrews 13:5 - 6

Remember,God is good ALL the time.He will provide.

Praying for you,
your friend

Dear Lord Jesus,
I pray, i just pray for your mercy and grace for your children living in the oppressed country of Cambodia. Dear Lord, i pray for conviction for your children to stand firm and rooted in your word. Dear LOrd, i pray for strength and courage for your children to go against the tide, to remain faithful in their deeds. Dear Lord, i pray for your prescence to be with them when they are tempted, when they struggle. Dear LOrd, i pray for your Hands to comfort them when they are hardpressed. I pray dear Lord, Your children will shine forth as light and hope in the darken land. Dear LOrd, i pray, keep them and protect them against the lust of human nature.

Your child,
xiuli

Expectations ......disappointments......

2008-06-25T20:48:00.004+08:00

Expectations - a double edged sword.

We expect others to give their minutes, but often we dont do the same for them. We expect and are often disappointed. We experienced disappointment. But why are we doing the same to others?

How can we be a salt and light when we cant even spare a few minutes of our time to something seemingly trival to us, yet of upmost importance to the other?

How do we show the world we care about their lives, when we are not willing to give a few minutes of our time and effort?

How do we love, when we dont give?

How do we preach, when we dont practice?

How do we serve, when we dont sacrifice?

How do we light up, when we dont burn?

So you would come

2008-06-18T14:25:00.002+08:00

Father, you see my thoughts, my tears, my fears. Lord, take them and make me whole.

Before the world began
You were on His mind
And every tear you cry
Is precious in His eyes
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Nothing you can do
Could make Him love you more
And nothing that you've done
Could make Him close the door
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Come to the Father
Though your gift is small
Broken hearts, broken lives
He will take them all
The power of the Word
The power of His blood
Everything was done
So you would come

Home?

2008-06-17T00:04:00.009+08:00

I was in Cambodia for the past 2 weeks ......lots memories, lots thoughts. It felt strange seeing the familiar sights, recalling the familiar faces, smelling the familiar smells, touching the familiar hands, hearing the familiar language.

It felt so surreal - almost like i was in a movie. I went with the intention to take lots photos....to capture moments, places that i did not have the opportunity to do so before i left abruptly a year ago. But i just couldnt. I only took a few. Afterall, how often do we take photos of places in Singapore - a place we call home.

Denial? perhaps. but this time i held back my tears.

Small steps at a time ......slowly but surely you are a step nearer to your dreams

2008-04-08T21:00:00.003+08:00

I had a long and draining day in school today. At the end of the two and a half hour session with 3 students,my colleague and myself simply collasped into our chairs, drained and brain dead......fullfilling nonetheless.

It was a very simple task that we assigned to them..... a task which would normally take an average adult less than half an hour to complete. But for them, it consist of two long sessions of brainstorming and a third one next week. It was draining as we prompted for simple answers, for simple solutions, for simple calculations. It was tempting to simply jump in to take control, to take over. We held back. We questioned, we left them with no choice but to really use their brains and think. We dont take no for an answer. There must be a solution. How? How? How?

When i witnessed their pride as they answered the questions, as they came up with solutions themselves, i saw something beyond them......i saw their tinge of confidence emerging. COnfidence....something so remotely familiar to them.

Today, i saw beauty in them. I was privileged to witness their minds opening up to possibilities, to ideas, to solutions. I saw them brimming with pride when they conquered the 'i don't know'. I saw them gaining confidence when they problem-solved one after another issue that cropped up. I saw their joy when they realised that they are capable of handling important tasks afterall.

Dear children, it is one small step at a time, slowly but surely, i know with each brave steps that you take, you are one step nearer to achieving your dreams. As long as you dont give up, we will be walking beside you when you need us; we will be walking behind you when you are ready. We will be your cheer leaders. Go on dear children, go on and i believe you can acheive your dreams!

Dear Jesus, help us Lord to press on. Grant us extra love, extra patience for your children. Grant us wisdom Lord, as we deal with each and every child. Grant us discerment Lord as we intervened with the difficult cases. Teach us to be merciful and gracious children. Thank you for hearing our prayers.

your child,
xiuli

My life is in Your Hands

2008-04-06T12:45:00.002+08:00

You don't have to worry
And don't you be afraid
Joy comes in the morning
Troubles they don't last always
For there's a friend in Jesus
Who will wipe your tears away
And if your heart is broken
Just lift your hands and say

Oh
I know that I can make it
I know that I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands

With Jesus I can take it
With Him I know I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands

So when your tests and trials
They seem to get you down
And all your friends and loved ones
Are nowhere to be found
Remember there's a friend in Jesus
Who will wipe your tears away
And if you heart is broken
Just lift your hands and say

Oh
I know that I can make it
I know that I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands

With Jesus I can take it
With Him I know I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear JEsus, help me to focus my gaze upon you. Help me to turn to you want i can barely carry on. Help me LOrd, help me. My life is in Your Hands.

your child

Drifting......

2008-03-13T00:42:00.002+08:00

Dear Lord,

I am sorry. I am sorry that i have drifted far from you. It is with shame when i checked list myself against the Ten Commandments. I have placed many small gods above you. I am sorry. I have not honoured your Name, i have been bitter. I murdered with my thoughts, i lied. I had been discontented. I had not spent time with my father and mother. I did not keep my sabbath.I am sorry. Fogive me.

LOrd, i pray that You will lead me back to You again. I pray for a rekindle in my spirit for Your word, for Your people. I pray for stillness in my heart that i can hear you once again. Lord, i pray that my heart will not turn cold.

For this reason we MUST pay much closer attention to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away from it. Heb 2:1

Lord, hear my prayers

I offer my life

Your child.

Dear boy

2008-03-05T22:51:00.001+08:00

Dear 'boy',

Hi, you finally came to school today. From the day school reopened, i had been looking out for you. You never turned up. Each day, i scanned through the crowd of students, waiting in apprehensive anticipation to see you. I was eager to see you again, yet i was fearful.

It was tough seeing you today. My heart skipped a beat when i saw you. My heart wrenched when i saw the blood on you. I am sorry i just couldnt bring myself to clean you up. I am afraid i might just break down. When our eyes met, i saw the tinge of surprise in you. You do remember me dont you? At least you remembered my face.

Dear 'boy', you had grown. You must have gone through lots since we last met about 3 years ago. You must have gone through lots, since i first met you 5 years ago.You had grown. I often visualize the day when we will meet again. I just had so much to tell you...to tell you how much i love you, to tell you you are really a good boy, to tell you there are many many others who cared for you, to tell you i often pray and think about you when i was away, to tell you though i may have left you physically, you are often in my heart. I just want to tell you so many many things....but i just couldnt bring myself to.

I saw that tinge of hope and surprise in you when we met again during recess. You do remember me, dont you? My heart just cries out for you.

Dear 'boy', i am glad we met again. I had never meant to hurt you that day when I said goodbye. I am sorry. You never knew, but it pains me and tore my heart when i turned and walked out of the house that day. I know i may never see you again.I had never meant to step into your life and hurt you when i stepped out. You had never left my heart. I know deep down leaving you in the house may not be the perfect solution, but it was the best alternative then. I left you in the arms of Jesus, praying that He will protect you. You had never left my heart.

Dear 'boy', it was hard seeing you today. After all the anticipation, it just wrenched my heart to see you. My short journey with you flooded through my mind .....i remembered when i first met you. You were a terror. I remembered that day when you sat there with your accusing eyes, pouring out your hurts when i did not turn up for you when you were shouting for me that night in the 'jungle'. I remembered the days when i visited you late in the nights in the hospital, bringing you your favourite Roti prata all because you didnt like the curry served there. I remembered that Sunday morning when you went unconscious and shut your body, i remembered my frantic journey with you to A&E. I remembered how you slurps your food and didnt like rice, all because you didnt knew how to chew then. I remembered the hurts and disappointments in your eyes when things happened in your family. I remembered your eyes that ran wide, when you supressed and didnt know how to express yourself. I remembered your wide smile and how you enjoyed the Christmas tree. I remembered when you went missing at the Indoor Stadium during the Disney on ICe show and i had to inform the security guards to assist in finding you. I remembered the days when you just couldnt bring yourself to bathe and days when you just couldnt cared anymore. I remembered days when you were really good. I remembered your kind heart when you protected and shielded the little vulnerable ones. I remembered your eagerness to learn, to share and to love on your better days. I remembered the sparkles in your eyes when you are happy.I remembered, yes i remembered.

'Boy', i dont blame you. The system had failed you. My heart cries for the tears that had long dried in you. I shed your long forgotten tears. My dear child, i had never told you ......of each little lives that i had crossed, you left a permanent print in me. You taught me a lot.

I still love you deeply.

Praying for you,
jie jie xiuli

Dear Mr Jesus

2008-03-05T21:12:00.003+08:00

Dear Mr. Jesus, I just had to write to you
Something really scared me, when I saw it on the news
A story 'bout a little girl beaten black and blue
Jesus, thought I'd take this right to you

Dear Mr. Jesus, I don't understand
Why they took her mom and dad away
I know that they don't mean to hit with wild and angry hands
Tell them just how big they are I pray

Please don't let them hurt your children
We need love and shelter from the storm
Please don't let them hurt your children
Won't you keep us safe and warm

Dear Mr. Jesus, they say that she may die
Oh I hope the doctors stop the pain
I know that you could save her and take her up to the sky
So she would never have to hurt again

Please don't let them hurt your children.
Dear Mr. Jesus, please tell me what to do
And please don't tell my daddy
But my mommy hits me, too.

Please don't let them hurt your children...

words and music by Richard Klender

I am a servant

2008-03-02T21:36:00.004+08:00

I Am A Servant

I am a servant, I am listening for my name
I sit here waiting I've been looking at the game
That I've been playing and I've been staying much the same
When you are lonely you're the only one to blame

I am a servant, I am waiting for Your call
I've been unfaithful so I sit here in the hall
How can You use me when I've never given all
How can You choose me when You know I quickly fall

So You feed my soul and you make me grow
And you let me know You love me
And I'm worthless now but I've made a vow
I will humbly bow before You
Oh please use me, I am lonely

I am a servant, getting ready for my part
There's been a change, a rearrangement in my heart
At last I'm learning there's no returning once I start
To live's a privilege, to love is such an art
But I need Your help to start
Oh please purify my heart
I am your servant

© Larry Norman

Dear Lord, purify my heart. Dear Lord, teach me to give you my all. Dear Lord, reign in me. Dear Lord, teach me to be Your servant. I am Yours.

For you ......my best friend

2008-02-28T23:14:00.004+08:00

HAd a long and productive day today ......physically very tired, but mind still very active. I know i need to rest. I know my body is collapsing with the 5 - 6 hours of sleep daily. However, sometimes, sleep is such a dreadful and fearful thing. Not that i am not enjoying my work, its just that everytime i sleep, time passes so quickly, and the next day begins. A new day of activities and work.

Today, my mind ran wild. I thought of my past......my secondary school days. I find it heartwarming that different songs reminds me of different periods of my life......songs that reminds me of the someone, songs that reminds of an event, songs that reminds me of my tears and hurts, songs that reminds me of my joys.

Today, i remembered this song.i remembered my best friend. She once told me that this song always brings tears to her eyes. I couldnt exactly remember in what context she made that statement, but i remembered her and i love her dearly still. This is for you......i remembered you today and i still love you very much. Thank you for being my best friend, for the wonderful times we shared, for the tears we shed. Glad we are still in contact.

You are my first and perhaps last best friend i will ever have. I never dared to have another best friend after our secondary school days.

Today i asked God for an ice cream

2008-02-27T22:34:00.003+08:00

Todays marks the start of a hectic 2 weeks ahead as we prepare for the commencement of the workshops next week, the briefings for teachers and parents and the kick start of the prevocational program for the students in term 2. It was a long and tiring day and i dozed off in the long train ride home in the hot afternoon ....... As my train draws into Yishun mrt station, i uttered specifically and simply,"God, i want an ice cream, those kind on a motor bike outside the mrt station".

As far as i can rememeber, i did not see the ice cream man there for sometime. NEver had i ever bought ice cream from the ice cream man parked outside the mrt station. It struck me as strange and weird that i would even utter such a request. Lo and behold! As i walked out of the station, i saw the familiar ice cream man's umbrella on his motorbike! My sudden request puzzled me. I had NEVER made such request before. His providence amazes me......my LOrd hears even my small prayer.

Today, i asked God for an ice cream and He gave it to me.

Thank You Father, for reminding me once again of your great, steadfast and unfailing love to me. Thank you for even using this small gesture to show me, remind me and assure me of your presence. Thank you for hearing my each and every thought and prayers. Thank You Father, for using this manner to cheer me on in this journey. Thank you Lord ;o)

I bought a marvellous 60cents chocolate ice cream ;o)

Dao Cao Ren

2008-02-21T18:29:00.005+08:00

Today i realised i had grown ......grown stronger. Perhaps i dont want to feel, perhaps i choose not to feel, perhaps i really dont feel or perhaps i am in denial ......, but in all, i learnt to keep myself in check. I learnt to deny the upheaval deep within, and moved on with a smile. I had grown. I dont cry anymore. I learnt not to. I dont talk about things anymore. I learnt not to. I dont ventilate out anymore. I must learn not to.

Today i realised that i had grown.

In Christ ALONE

2008-02-17T10:14:00.002+08:00

Dear Father,
TEach me to turn to You in each and every circumstance. TEach me to glaze upon You and seek You in my each and every step. Guide me and lead me Lord.....for only in You i want to place my trust.Father,i place my steps ahead into Your mighty and loving Hands. I know You only have the very best for me.
Thank You Father for loving me, for listening to me.

your child,
xiuli

Worthy is the Lamb

2008-02-10T22:09:00.000+08:00

Thank you for the cross, Lord
Thank you for the price You paid
Bearing all my sin and shame
In love You came
And gave amazing grace

Thank you for this love, Lord
Thank you for the nail pierced hands
Washed me in Your cleansing flow
Now all I know
Your forgiveness and embrace

Worthy is the Lamb
Seated on the throne
Crown You now with many crowns
You reign victorious

High and lifted up
Jesus Son of God
The Darling of Heaven crucified
Worthy is the Lamb
Worthy is the Lamb

Dear JEsus,
Thank you for the cross. I am sorry.Forgive me.
Your child,
xiuli

THERE CAN BE MIRACLES IF YOU BELIEVE

2008-02-01T23:08:00.000+08:00

When You Believe

Many nights we've prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood
Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains
Long before we knew we could
There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe

In this time of fear
When prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seemed like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away
Yet now I'm standing here
My heart's so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe

They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fear
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way safe through the rain
Thought of a still resilient voice
Says love is very near

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
Now you will
You will when you believe

You will when you believe
Just believe
Gotta believe
You will when you believe

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It has been a week of joys and disappointments, ups and downs.THere were times when i brimmed with pride as i watch the students performing so confidently and joyfully in their jobs; times when i shed tears and shared the disappointment when they did not pass the on-job-evaluation to qualify for the position. THere were times when i truly believed they can do it; times when i doubted and tough decisions have to be made.

Thank you Father, for granting us wisdom and strength. EVen when things did not go as we anticipated, we rest in deep assurance that You are still in control.
Father, i pray that as we continue to journey on with your children, grant us the patience and love to continue to encourage them, to be their greatest cheer leaders in their lives.
EVen when disappointments set in, Father, i pray that with You by our sides, we will journey on courageously, joyfully, and steadfastly with them.
Even when they give up on themselves, when no body believed that they can do it, Father, i pray that You will grant us the boldness to believe otherwise
Father, when the road ahead is dark and bumpy, i pray that You will continue to uplift us,to teach us to celebrate and rejoice even with the smallest step forward.
Father, we believe You are the LOrd of Miracles .....indeed there can be miracles in the lives of these children, if only we believe. Thank you for hearing our prayers. In JEsus' name we pray, amen.

The battle belongs to the Lord

2008-01-27T22:53:00.001+08:00

THis song came very aptly during worship today......in preparation for the numerous battles i had to face in the week ahead......battles within myself, battles with numerous parties. As i see the email correspondences, my heart sank.i really dread the week ahead. Father, thank you for this timely reminder that the battles belongs to You. Raise me and lift me up. Father, i pray that in each and every step that i take, may it be a joyful worship unto you and you alone. I know you will carry me through the week. Thank you. In Jesus' name i pray, amen.

You raise me up

2008-01-23T21:38:00.000+08:00

You Raise Me Up
by Josh Groban
When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up... To more than I can be.

Dear Father,
Indeed i am nothing without you. Thank you for lifting my spirits.
Your child,
xiuli

At the begining

2008-01-17T21:31:00.000+08:00

At the Beginning

by Richard Marx and Donna Lewis

We were strangers
Starting out on a journey
Never dreaming
What we'd have to go through
Now here we are
And I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you

No one told me
I was going to find you
Unexpected
What you did to my heart
When I lost hope
You were there to remind me
This is the start

Life is a road
And I want to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey

I'll be there
When the world stops turning
I'll be there
When the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

We were strangers
On a crazy adventure
Never dreaming
How our dreams would come true
Now here we stand
Unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you

Life is a road
And I want to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey

I'll be there
When the world stops turning
I'll be there
When the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

I knew there was somebody somewhere
Like me alone in the dark
Now I know my dream will live on
I've been waiting so long
Nothing's gonna tear us apart

Life is a road
And I want to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey

I'll be there
When the world stops turning
I'll be there
When the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

Life is a road and I wanna keep going
Love is a river I wanna keep going on....
Starting out on a journey
Life is a road and I wanna going
Love is river I wanna keep flowing
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you.

This is one of my all time favourite songs......this is for you ......;o)

Heaven's Very Special Child

2008-01-14T21:45:00.000+08:00

After a long break and barely into my second week of work,I finally appreciate the value of weekend ......weekend that simply past so quickly. Ashamely, i dreaded returning to work.

But God is Good. In His wisdom and timely intervention, He reminded me once again how He bought me to into this job, and the purpose and work He has for me here. I was doing the morning duty today which involves 'patroling' the basketball court to ensure that the students on their morning walk dont fight. I stood there, watching them, with tears swelling in my eyes. Once again, the LOrd spoke into my weary heart. He saw my weariness, my anxieties, my fears in my unknown journey ahead. He granted me for the mintues as i stood there watching the children - to see them with His eyes, to feel them with His heart. I saw their simplicity, their joy. I saw them as His precious creations - each and every single one of them. I saw my purpose once again. Thank you Father, for granting me these special few mintues.Thank You Father, for renewing my heart for your children.

One particular incident strike me. A 15 year old boy ran towards another 15 year old or so boy who was simply seated at the chair and striked him hard on his head. I was taken aback when the second boy did not react or even shout back. He simply brushed off the incident. I was deeply touched. How often we react to situations when we were strike unexpectedly? How often we tend to defend ourselves, with the excuse of self defence? I need to learn Father, to remain still before you, and not to react to situations around me.

This is a poem which touched me greatly during my uni years.....i pray that dear LOrd, even as i am physically tired during this journey, i want to be faithful in journeying your goodness and Hands in my life. I know the road ahead is tough, but when i look back, i want to look back with sweetness and fondness knowing that You are with me and that Your Hands have carried me through as You always have done.

Heaven's Very Special Child

A meeting was held quite far away from earth
'It's time again for another birth,'
said the Angels to the Lord above
'This special child will need much love,
His progress may seem very slow
accomplishments he may not show.
And he'll require extra care
from the folks he meets down there.
He may not run or laugh or play
His thoughs may seem quite far away.
In many ways he won't adapt
and he'll be known as handicapped.
So let's be careful where he's sent,
we want his life to be content.
PLease,Lord, find the parents who
will do this special job for you.
They will not realize right away,
the leading role they're asked to play.
But with this child sent from above
come stronger faith and richer love
and soon they'll know the privilege given
in caring for this gift from heaven
Their precious child so meek and mild
is "Heaven's very special child."

Author unknown

Thank you Lord for bringing these students to Grace Orchard. I know you have a special purpose for all the teachers and staff you have placed here. Father, i pray that you will grant each and everyone of us here patience, wisdom and love as we walk into these precious lives.

Thank you Father, i heard you......

2008-01-09T19:20:00.000+08:00

Ended my day yesterday in broken spirit ...... then a friend messaged "Praying 4 ya and know that in all things, He is with u :-) Jos 1:9

In His gentle reassurance and whisper, my table calender today reads "Have I not commanded you?Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

How often do we receive the same verse on the same day? This is not the first time it happened to me. Thank you Father once again for your gentle assurance and whisper to my deafen ears and anxious heart.

Thank you.

Just keep on walking......

2008-01-08T20:34:00.000+08:00

I am off for another journey at Grace ORchard School, a school for students (6 - 18years old) with Intellectual disability and autism. Working in a special school - something which i always wanted to do since uni days...and finally finally .... after 4 long years, i am here ;o) Bulk of my jobscope would be seeking employment and job attachments for the students who graduated and who are still in school.

I am barely into my first week at work and am already feeling physically tired. Think i need to adjust my body to waking up at 5/6am.

On top of which, i am feeling lost with lots to pick up.Its kind of a strange and unpleasant feeling which i always get when i move into a new job. Feeling rather overwhelmed at the information and stuff which i had to pick up. Constantly i had to remind myself to take it easy and give myself time.....

But i am glad...the LOrd is good. These days, i can almost verbally hear Him say, "Its ok my child. Though its dark, just keep on walking......though you cant see me, i am right beside you to lead and to cheer you on.I had brought you thus far, i would not leave you alone."

Thank you Father.

your child,
xiuli

I can only imagine ......

2007-11-23T15:10:00.000+08:00

Dear friends,

do take time to finish this clip....the father's love for his son can only be imagined. But we all have a Heavenly Father whose love we can experience, as long as we open up our hearts to Him.

This clip is a great encouragement to me ... reminding me once again of my Father's love for me, His strong arms and how He pulls me along and lift me up when i am too tired to move on. I can only imagine the Day when i stand in His presence.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

Hebrews 12:1

I can only imagine

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By Your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

{Chorus}:
Surrounded by Your glory,
what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus
or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in Your presence
or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah,
will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine. (less)

Reach ... Reach higher for your dreams

2007-11-21T12:22:00.000+08:00

20th November 2007 10.10pm (Singapore time)/9.10pm (Cambodian time)
Divine appointment - MSN chat

I first knew him two and a half years ago in Cambodia. He was my first Cambodian friend, the first who bought me around Phnom Penh, the first who exposed me to the culture. He got a scholarship to study in the Singapore Management University. He achieved it through his own diligence and determination in the Cambodian education system consumed by corruption. I distinctly remembered our conversation that day - two and a half years ago.

" What made you study Economics in Singapore?"
" So that i can come back and help Cambodia. I want to return to help my country to build up the economy.In that way, i can help my people out of poverty."

This is his dreams.

He has got a good heart too. When he returned to Cambodia during his term break, instead of spending time with his famiy and friends, he chose to come over to our orphanage to volunteer as a translator for 2 months or so. This is how i got to know him.

Cambodia indeed need people like him - leaders of tomorrow with dreams and passion to help their own people. Leaders like him who cared enough for the majority - the poor. I am looking forward and will be praying for your return, my dear friend.

We lost touch.

Yesterday, we met again on msn.

"I am back in Phnom Penh (Cambodia), working in a bank now ... I have been drinking alot these days ... This is what the Cambodian adults in Phnom Penh do ... i just feel that time is slipping by ... "
My heart sank. Where did the youth with the zeal, passion and fervour to help his people went? What happened to your dreams?

More often than not, it is not easy to go against the tide, to fight solitary against a brutal system that wouldnt budge. It is not easy to live your dreams. But my dear friend, never give up.It is one small step at a time...with courage and determination, you can make a difference to your people. Life is a journey, a race. Continue to believe and i know you will be stronger, and you can reach higher for your dreams.

I will be cheering for you. I will be praying for you. Continue my dear friend, to live your dreams, to reach higher for your people.

Chorng, take heart, this is specially for you...

Artist: Gloria Estefan
Album: Destiny (1996)

Some dreams live on in time forever
Those dreams, you want with all your heart
And I’ll do, whatever it takes
Follow through with the promise I made
Put it all on the line
What I hoped for at last would be mine

If I could reach, higher
Just for one moment touch the sky
From that one moment in my life
I’m gonna be stronger
Know that I’ve tried my very best
I’d put my spirit to the test
If I could reach

Some days are meant to be remembered
Those days we rise above the stars
So I’ll go the distance this time
Seeing more the higher I climb
That the more I believe
All the more that this dream will be mine

If I could reach, higher
If I could, if I could
If I could reach
Reach, I’d reach, I’d reach
I’d reach, I’d reach so much higher
Be stronger.

Foolish me, but I will follow Him

2007-11-20T11:55:00.000+08:00

16th November 2007
I rejected a job offer which promises me a salary far beyond my expectation. I turned it down. How foolish! I am now waiting for another offer - same nature of work from another special school. They have yet to get back to me and i very much doubt they would offer me the same salary. The draw from the school is that they have got a group of dedicated and passionate Christian teachers. I lamented, shamefully with a tinge of 'resentment'. Foolish me! How foolish!
Then it strike me how easily i can too be tempted and lured by monetary rewards.

No one can serve two masters.Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.

Matthew 6:24

Thank you Father for this reminder.

God, am i hearing You correctly this time? Did You make a mistake, i wonder. Father, which way? Is this the lesson of Faith and Trust in You that You want me to learn, trusting that You have only the very best for me?

If you, then though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

Matthew 7:11

Father, indeed You are in control of every step in my life. There are NEVER any mistakes in Your sovereignty. Even when i am too blinded to see You, too deafen to hear You, i know that You are still there. And because nothing happens in any particular unless Your will is in it, i know i can place complete confidence and trust in You. Father, although i am feeling rather lost at the moment, i know that Your gentle Hand will be leading and guiding me.
Into Your Hands i place my hope, my future.

I will follow Him, follow Him where ever He may go ......

Indescribable

2007-11-14T14:06:00.000+08:00

Indeed Lord, i cannot fathom Your thoughts, Your ways and Your directions. But i know Lord, You only have the very best for me. You are indescribable, uncontainable and all powerful. You are an amazing God. Lord, I just want to place my future into Your loving and mighty Hands.

Your child,
xiuli

In His Time

2007-11-08T16:51:00.000+08:00

In His Time In His Time
He makes all things beautiful in His Time
Lord, please show me everyday
As you're teaching me Your way
That you do just what you say
In Your Time

In Your Time In Your Time
You make all things beautiful in Your Time
Lord, my life to you i brng
Make each song i have to sing
be to you a lovely thing
In Your Time

19th October 2007

After i updated the previous post, this song came to me. It was a song which i learnt since Primary school. When this song replayed once again in my mind, tears starting streaming down. It was a song that i kept in Cambodia, believing that the Lord will indeed make ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL IN HIS TIME. As the tears flow, images of the villages in Camodia came flooding back. The women in their kramas, the naked children with their dirty faces, legs and hands, the wrinkled and bended grandmothers, the rubbish dumps outside their houses....they just all came back.

Father, is this You crying for your lost children out there?

My heart aches for them once again. I realized too that i had gradually been drawn into the various mind and time captivating activites in this cosmopolitan city. I realized how i had been so self centered and immersed in my own affairs since i return, that i had even gradually forgotten them in my prayers. I had forgotten to pray for them.

Father, i thank You for beckoning me back to your heart.

Everything has its Time

2007-10-19T11:53:00.000+08:00

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven

A time to be born,
and a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain form embracing;
A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 - 8 (NKJV)

Father, i do not know what is your portion for me during this season.There are many things that i do not understand. But i want to continue to place my trust in You and You alone. Call me, catch me back when i run ahead. I just want to walk along with You.

Up ... Down ...

2007-10-16T00:34:00.000+08:00

Ever felt really up and really down all within a day? This is what i am feeling now. Torn.

I was really happy that today is the end of a worrisome journey for a dear sister when we went to collect the medical report for her CT scan. It revealed no cancerous cells in her body...and this marks the end of the visits to NUH. We gleefully waved NUH goodbye as we walked out of the hospital. We are thankful for His mercy and lessons learnt during this journey. It is my 'UP' for today.

1101.My Down came this morning when i received the news that she ran out of the Home. I prayed and committed her to the Lord. I know He would keep her safe.

2000.i finally received a phonecall from her.She was in a friend's house.At least she is safe.

2345.Another call from her in tears and shouting in the background. My heart frozed. My mind raced ...'No, i would not go down to pick her now. She needs to learn. No. I would not even go down to the police station now. She needs to learn. No. I will not 'rescue' her this time. She needs to learn. No. I will not even meet her tomorrow. She needs to learn. She needs to learn to bear the consequences.'

0013.Another call from her from the public phone. They have called the police. They will be picking her up right now. Thank God. At least i know that she will be safe.

My heart really pains and cries out to her. I do not know if i am doing the right thing this time. But she needs to learn. Dear Lord, teach me to trust and commit her into your mighty and loving Hands. I know you love her much more than i do.

My dear girl, if you ever read this, i just want you to know that my decision for not going down and being there for you when you are most frighten and lost is not because i had given up on you, nor that i do not love you anymore. It hurts and pains me to stand by my decision right now. But i know, i am doing it because you really needs to learn the lesson of bearing the consequences of your decision. I love you too much to protect you anymore than that i had already done, least you fall into decisions with more dire consequences. It pains me equally to see you going through it alone right now. I hope to let you know that despite me not being there with you physically, you are in my heart and in my prayers. Dear girl, remember what i always tells you, Turn to Jesus when you are most frighten and lost and He would be there for you. He will send His angels to surround and protect you. Just turn to Him and believe.

Today is also the first time that i ever wished that you can be with me during these painful waiting hours. But i understand. Rest assure, i do.

If we hold on together

2007-10-12T15:13:00.000+08:00

Don't lose your way, with each passing day
You've come so far, don't throw it away.
Live believing, dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start.
Live your story, faith, hope and glory
Hold to the truth in your heart.

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die.
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I.

Souls in the winds learn how to bend
Seek out a star, hold on till the end.
Valley, mountain, there is a fountain
Washes our tears all away.
Worlds are swaying, someone is praying
Please let us come home to stay.

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die.
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I.

When we are out there in the dark
We'll dream about the sun.
In the dark we'll feel the light
Warm our hearts every one.

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die.
Dreams see us through to forever
As high as souls can fly
The clouds roll by
For you and I.

Music by James Horner
Lyrics by Will Jennings

The Cs that i seek for ......

2007-10-11T16:18:00.000+08:00

As conversation topics and catch ups with friends inevitably evolve around relationships, marriage, housing, finances, careers, the 6 Cs that Singaporean women seek for in their life partners came to my mind. This was many years ago and i am not sure how the Cs must have evolved now, but from memory lane, the Cs are ……

1. Career
2. Cash
3. Credit cards
4. Condominium
5. Cars
6. Country clubs memberships

As I ponder upon the above Cs, I realized that they are all fleeting and temporal external material assets. They can be easily taken away in a crisis, in a moment. They are articles with no lasting value, objects which we cannot bring forth with us when we leave the earthly realms. Can we and do we really find happiness and security from these Cs? I very much doubt so. In our worldly measure, can wealth ever be enough, be in abundance, be in excess? I do not think so. Is it not in our human nature to crave and seek for more, even with the much that we already had? It will always be a continual race to add, to multiply, to upgrade.

I seek not for the above. But that does not mean my ‘criteria’ for my life partner is any less stringent than that of the world. I actually have got more Cs in mind…..

Christ as the Lord and Saviour in my man,
Cleansed must he be by the blood of the lamb
Contentment with what he is given
Compassion as the ruling guide for all His Creation
Charitable heart in him for the sick, poor and needy
Consideration he possessed, even for the unworthy
Confidence he must have in our Lord, our Master
Commitment, steadfastness to His Mission, his Creator
Character in him that brings glory
Conduct, integrity, pleasing to our Lord Almighty
Consistent must he be
Credibility in him, his work I must see
Counsel he must give to set people free
Conviction of salvation must rule in thee

These are the Cs that I seek,
And I believe my Lord my Master will bring me to him as He deems fit.

What are the Cs that you are looking for?

Waiting

2007-10-10T11:05:00.000+08:00

Steadfastness, that is holding on;
patience, that is holding back;
expectancy, that is holding the face up;
obedience, that is holding one's self in readiness to go or do;
listening, that is holding quiet and still so as to hear.

S.D Gordon

Yes, Lord, i will learn to wait.I will place my trust and faith in you, knowing that you only has the very best for me and nothing can be taken away nor added to your plans.

Small voices: Stories of Cambodian Children

2007-09-14T18:04:00.000+08:00

Do we hear their voices?

All to Jesus I surrender

2007-09-11T13:29:00.000+08:00

All to Jesus I surrender, ALL to Him i freely give
I will ever love and trust Him
In His presence daily live

I surrender all
I surrender all
All to thee, my blessed saviour
I surrender all

All to Jesus, I surrender, humbly at His feet i bow
Worldy pleasure all forsaken
Take me, Jesus, take me now

ALl to Jesus i surrender
Make me, Saviour, wholly Thine
Let me feel the Holy Spirit
Truly know that Thou art mine

All to Jesus i surrender, Lord I give myself to Thee
Fill me with Thy love and power
Let thy blessings fall on me

This is a familiar song that we often hear.When i sang it in the past, it is often words with a heartfelt desire and willingness of " YEs LOrd, i am willing to surrender my ALL to you." This is often in the absence of situations that requires us to truly surrender our all.

Recently, this song came back to me. " Am i willing to surrender my all to Him? "

I asked Jesus, "How much do you love me?"
"This much." He answered and He stretched out His arms and died.

"Yes, Lord, I am yours. I can do everything through You who gives me strength"

Still

2007-09-10T14:55:00.000+08:00

This is for you - my dear friends who are hurting and lost.Although no one may seems to understand or even provide an answer for your situation at this moment, but be assured, our Father in heaven sees our every single tear drops and collects them in heaven. I hope that this song will encourage you as much as it had encouraged and lifted me.

Let Go and Let God

2007-09-03T17:12:00.000+08:00

As children bring their broken toys, with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams (thoughts) to God, because He is my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help with ways (thoughts) that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back again and cried, “How can you be so slow?”
“My child”, He said,” What could I do? You never let go.”

Anonymous

I fear the possibility of complications. I fear going through the tests and jabs. I fear the possibility of another diagnosis which I don’t think at this juncture, I am prepared to go through it again even with the Lord. When the Lord asked, “Xiuli, are you willing to accept whatever I am going to give you for my sake and glory?” Ashamedly, my answer was a definite “No. No Lord, Not again. I don’t think I can handle it, even with You. No Lord. No.”

I didnt realised till now how 'tramautised' i was over all the jabs and scans. Now i know i must have been carried in His Hands all along during the jabs and surgery. It must have been His Grace and Strength that kept me going on so calmly and confidently.

However I refused to surrender this time. I refused to draw from His Strength. No Lord, I am not willing. I do not want to go through the series of tests and jabs again. No Lord, please no. I pleaded. I did not want to surrender. I did not want to see the doctor. I did not even want to bring my fears and thoughts to God.

Finally after struggling for a week, I decided to take the first step and brought my thoughts to the Lord in my bedtime prayers last night. Father, teach me and grant me the courage to “Let Go”. Father, teach me to surrender, just as Abraham did.

Father, I want to place my trust in You.

I want to be a candy man

2007-08-13T14:45:00.001+08:00

Enjoy the song ;o)

Everyone has been asking me what I am doing now. Somehow, the word ‘unemployed’ seems a taboo. I went to the East Coast Park with my family last Saturday and saw the cotton candy man selling candy floss. A funny and cheeky thought came to me – I want to sell cotton candy ;o)

Allow me to indulge in my fantasy for the moment ( while I still can ;P)…… I want to be a Candy man.

hmm, or perhaps this kind of candy shops?

Pray and believe and it shall be done

2007-08-08T20:09:00.000+08:00

But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double minded man, unstable in all he does.
James 1: 6-8

30th May 2007, night

Ask and you will receive. I am ashamed and guilty that I often asked with little confidence and true conviction that I will receive. But God is good. He had never disappointed me. Nevertheless, the lesson of ‘Praying with faith’ is one that I must learn.

All the children, the staffs in the orphanage, the congregation in Prey Veng Christian Centre (PVCC) and the Methodist church (Prey Veng), my brothers and sisters from Emmaus EFC, Bedok Methodist church and many who care were all praying for me – for my haemoglobin to rise to a surgery safety level i.e from 8.2g/dL to 12g/dL and above.

“We are all praying for you”
“It’s not possible. It would be a miracle if it happens.”
“Siewlee, we are all praying for you, believing that Jesus loves you and He will cause your haemoglobin to rise. We are praying and believing that it will happen. How could you not believe and doubt what God can do for you?”

I was ashamed. I had actually doubted what my loving and mighty God would and could do for me.

“Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. “I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him.” Mark 11:23

Then on, I prayed with my whole heart, really believing that my Lord will perform the miracle. He did.

My prayer life changed. I used to pray with words, now I learned to pray with my heart.

If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer – Matthew 21: 22

" Sister, sister ......"

2007-08-08T15:33:00.000+08:00

"Sister, sister ......" - how once these words meant attention, problems, giving and energy. That day, these words meant fragrant offerings and love.

“Sister, sister” - these words still ring loudly in my mind. How I wish I could still hear them once again.

25th May – 1st June 2007

Despite the anaemia label hanging over me then, I was granted the privilege of returning to Prey Veng Province, Cambodia – my home for the last 2 years. I am grateful for my parents’ permission to return and to my brothers and sisters in Christ for your prayers and blessings. I also appreciate the thoughts and intentions of some of you who wanted to accompany me back on this trip. I know many of you were worried and I really appreciate all your intercessions. Thank you very much.

When the vehicle turned into the orphanage, I was overwhelmed with the reception and greetings from the children and the staff.

“ Sister, how are you?”
“ Sister, you gave me your blood last year, now I am well, I can give my blood to you”
“ Sister, how much blood do you need? I can give mine to you.”
“ Sister, we were so worried and we miss you very much.”
“Sister, please don’t leave us.”
“ Sister, we have been praying for you three times a day.”
“ Sister, are you still in pain?”
“ Sister, when is your operation?”
“Sister, what did the doctor said?”
“Sister, are you ok?”
……….

I was deeply touched by their love and generosity. Father, I thank you for them, for each of their prayers, for their love, for their hearts. I thank you for the numerous lessons they had taught me.

Father, I pray that you would also teach me to do the same – to forgive, to love, to give and to intercede.

Father, I pray that you will continue to shower your abundant blessings upon each and everyone in the orphanage, you will continue to guide them in Your way and you will keep the evil one far away.

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
Ephesians 5: 1 – 2

My Physician, My Healer, My Lord

2007-08-07T22:20:00.000+08:00

But for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.

Psalm 73: 28

7th May 2007

That night, I was in bed, deeply burdened by the numerous on-goings in the orphanage in the past week. As usual, I said my bedtime prayers.

However, something was different that night. My CD player was on with some gospel tracks and my standing reading lamp was turned on beside my bed. I was certain I was awake. It was an overflowing sense of comfort and warmth I felt then. I knew I wasn’t alone. He was with me.

I sense a vision of a doctor bending over me on my left, examining me.

I had been having prolonged menstruation since December 2006. The inconvenience and discomfort had silently integrated into my daily life.

“Lord, is there something really physically wrong with me?” I asked.

I had never liked to consult the doctors even in Singapore due to the high charges. In fact, I had never seen a doctor during my 2 years in Cambodia. I always believe in mind over body and self medication.

It was not a rebuke that night, commanding me to see a doctor. It was simply a gentle nudge urging me that something needs to be done. I was troubled. “Father, are you calling me back to Singapore for a check up?”

I made the eccentric decision to return to Singapore for a check up. And that was the start of another journey with Him on 11th May 2007.

Through this encounter with Him, I can’t help but am amazed at my God – at how He preserved me and how He led me back.

We are often asked who Jesus is to us - Our Saviour, our Lord, our King, our Strength, our Shepherd, our Comforter …….

That night, Jesus was my Physician, who cautioned and convinced me that I needed to seek medical help. His favour must have been upon me.

Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare. – Psalm 40: 5

Thank you Jesus, Thank you my Lord.

This Little Light of Mine

2007-08-07T14:04:00.000+08:00

This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine. (3x)
Let it shine.(3x)

Hide it under a bushel?
No! I'm gonna let it shine. (3x)
Let it shine. (3x)

Won't let Satan blow it out,
I'm gonna let it shine. (3x)
Let it shine. (3x)

Let it shine till Jesus comes,
I'm gonna let it shine. (3x)
Let it shine. (3x)

Choices

2007-07-03T17:10:00.000+08:00

It has been a long time since I wrote ......

Events had rushed past me in the last 2 months since I first returned to Singapore on 10th May. I had been carried along by events. I just had to move on. The diagnosis came as a shock to myself and to people around. I had no time to process through, i had no time to wrap myself in self pity or questions. I know i just had to move on. In my quiet moments, i know my Father, my Lord will be with me. Deep down, i know He will carry me through. I know many people were worried and anxious. I know i just had to be strong in the Lord – for myself and for the people who loved and cared. I am also greatly blessed by the numerous numerous prayers petitions. I had also witnessed God's miracle, providence and His love during this season. I feel really blessed, like God's precious princess warrior. I had wanted to testify, but somehow, after the surgery, my spirits dipped and dived all the way down. But i know, i still had to be strong for the people around me. Ironically, when i am physically weakest, i no longer wanted to be a princess. I wanted just to be a warrior, to be strong and healthy.

I am no longer carried along by events. I had reached the destination after the surgery. The surgery was the end point. I was then threshed to embark on another journey – the journey of Rest – one of which i am not mentally prepared for. Time is what i have. I started to question, to wonder, to doubt and even to resent. I was fearful of the journey ahead. I could see no end to this journey. “ Why? Then what, my Lord? When will this end? What next? Father, which way then?” I feel lost, helpless, useless.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.

As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8 – 9

Every task such as eating, drinking, going to the toilet and bathing seems a burden – it just zapped up all my energy. It was frustrating. Even a little tickle in my throat drove me to tears – i could not cough nor sneeze because it hurts the wound tremendously. I reacted to the antibiotics – diarrhea. I could not even laugh – the stitch hurts. The first week after the surgery seems the longest week yet in my life. It moved so slowly. I did not want to be a princess anymore – to be served and waited upon. I want to be up and moving.

“How are you feeling?” I know they cared. I did not want to lie, neither did i know how to answer the question. How am i suppose to tell people how i am feeling? I can't. Everyone around me seems so busy moving along with life, with packed schedules and deadlines. How could i bother anyone? How could i have the right to steal their already jammed packed hours? I cant. After all, i am the one who is supposedly ' very fortunate' at this moment because i can get to rest all i want. After all, i the one who is most free, who can sleep till late hours. How could i bother anyone with my self destructing thoughts and wild questions? I just want to get well and move on in life.

Jesus loves me. He was, He is and He will be with me. I know He has plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. ( Jer 29:11). It was tough. I know He must had planned this for me and had allowed it to happen. I know this is His discipline of Rest for me. I know i had to learn the lesson of humility, the lesson of receiving, the lesson of stillness. I know i had to learn the lesson of trust and obedience. I know He had allowed this to happen for a purpose – a greater purpose yet revealed to me. Toughest lessons yet for me.

There remains, then a sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God's rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience.
Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus Christ the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.

Hebrews 4: 9 – 11, 14.

Father, teach me, discipline me, to learn the lessons you had set forth for me. Father, teach me not to eager for short cuts, easy ways. Father, teach me to walk along with you and not ahead. Father, open my eyes, open my heart to see your ways. Father, open my ears to hear you.

I thank God for placing timely angels along my path during this season – angels who prayed for me, who encouraged me, who cheered me on. Thank you. It had been 3 weeks since i was wheeled into the freezing operating theater. I know i have a choice – i can either continue to dwell in self destructing thoughts, or i can choose to give thanks and recall His blessings and move on for His greater purpose. I have decided to move on.

It was you, my dear friends and brothers and sisters in Christ – your prayers, your love, your time, your concerns, your thoughts, your encouragements and your cheers that carried me though this period. Now, i have chosen to look back to share His love, His providence, lessons learned and i have chosen to look forward to His greater promises and greater plans for me.

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3: 17

Stillness

2007-06-28T12:12:00.001+08:00

BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD - Psalm 46:10a

Sister, this is for you. Don't cry anymore ......

2007-06-27T23:34:00.000+08:00

By day the LORD went ahead of me in a pillar of cloud to guide me on my way ...... Exodus 13: 21

2007-05-24T09:54:00.000+08:00

8th May 2007, morning

“I am booking a ticket and returning back to Singapore to see a doctor” I declared suddenly. I will be taking the first flight out on 10th May.

“i will most likely be back in a weeks time”. I assured the staff and children. I did not even bring my laptop nor any of my soft toys along. I was confident that i will be fine and i will be back.

9th May 2007, afternoon

“What time is your flight? I will pick you up.”, Big sister

“I can get the doctor to write a meno for subsidy and arrange for an appointment for you.”, Second sister.

10th May 2007, morning devotion with the staff, 7.30am

Mark 5: 21 – 43

He said to her, “ Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” Mark 5:34

My staff prayed for me.

10th May 2007, morning, 8.56am

“Hi Praise God! Dr Kek made a very special concession for you. This slot is especially created for you. You must be at Mount Elizabeth by 8am sharp on the 11th, Friday.”, sister – in – Christ.

Dr Kek is a Christian gynecologist, one of the best in the circle.

10th May, 2007, afternoon at a friend's place, 3.47pm, Phnom Penh

“My Lord, what is happening to me? i am tired. Really tired. Grant me rest.”, I pleaded with tears streaming down. Alone in the living room.

“You can sleep in my room if you want......” , sister – in- Christ.

10th May 2007, night at Pochentong international airport. 8.00pm

“Hey,you are returning home too?” I bumped into a missionary who had been serving in Cambodia for 10 years.

“ I am returning to see a doctor.......”

“I had numerous fibroid growth. I went for the first surgery to remove them, but ultimately, the doctor removed my whole uterus the second time as he said the chances of it recurring is very high.....yes, it is an open surgery to remove the fibroids.”

“ Father, let it not be fibroids.”, i brushed it aside. It could not happen to me. I am still so young. It is just some hormonal imbalance.

11th May 2007, morning at the clinic, Mount Elizabeth Hospital

“I see a very big uterus. I see a very large fibroid growth. It is pressing down on your bladder. You will need to go for a surgery as soon as possible to remove it.”, doctor.

Blank.

I did not know how i made it home alone that day.

11th May 2007, afternoon, home

“You are very anemic. Your hemoglobin level is only at 8.2g. The normal is at least 12 - 13g. You need to bring it up to at least 10 or 11g before we can do the surgery. You need to take a double dosage
of the iron tablets.Your heart is already compensating. You must not exert yourself.”, doctor called to inform.

Shocked.

I was very very tired. But i just could not sleep that afternoon.

Prayed.

See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared – Exodus 23:20
As i recount my hours and days, indeed my Lord had sent numerous angels ahead of me.

Father, grant me courage to journey along with You during this season.

Peace.

Do not be afraid my child, I will be with you in each and every step.

God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will i forsake you.” (Heb 13: 5)

Sin of Omission

2007-04-29T18:38:00.000+08:00

28th April 2007

Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins. - James 4:17

Sin of omission. What is it exactly about?

I was disturbed during the meeting with my colleagues and director today. My director had wrongly accused a volunteer of a justifiable angry grumble - which i totally understood where the volunteer was coming from. Yet, none of us spoke up. None. Silence.

Father, what would You have done? Would You have spoken up? Is this what You meant by sin of omission? I really felt bad then after the meeting. However i am not sure if i should have spoken up though.

Father, teach me discernment and wisdom to know the times when i should speak up, and those when i should keep silent.

Father, will you accept my small cake of bread?

2007-04-29T18:33:00.000+08:00

27th April 2007

Together with my colleagues, i went through a management training course by my executive director this afternoon. The topic was on strengths, weaknesses and talents of ourselves, staffs and children.

Talents ( as defined by my director ) - Whatever you can do repeatedly very well and very fast; something which not many people can do better than you.

“ What is your talent?”

I was taken aback for a moment. I recalled a conversation with a friend. “ Hey Siew Lee, you can't cook, you can't swim, you don't really play sports, you don't drive, you can't sing. What can you exactly do?” What are my talents, my strengths?

I used to think patience is my strength, until i realized how short tempered i can be.
I used to think i am empathic, until i realized how cynical i can get.
I used to think i am caring, until i realized how hardhearted i had became.
I used to think i am loving, until i realized how self – centered thoughts had engulfed me.

Father, what are my strengths? My spiritual gifts? Seriously at this stage of my life, i have got no answer.

She replied, “ I don't have any bread – only a handful of flour in a jar and a little oil in a jug. I am gathering a few sticks to take home and make a meal for myself and my son, that we may eat it – and die.” - 1 Kings 17: 12b

My dear friends, no. I am not slipping into depression. For i know that our Lord has given us different gifts according to His grace. I just have yet to realize mine.

Though i cannot cook, much less bake, i am certain that my Father will accept my surrendered cakes of bread made from my handful of flour and drops oil - smashed, tasteless, half baked, burnt pieces - He will take them All.

Elijah said to her,” Don't be afraid. Go home and do as you have said. But first make a small cake of bread for me from what you have and bring it to me, and then make something for yourself and your son. For this is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: 'The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the Lord gives rain on the land. She went away and did as Elijah had told her. So there was food everyday for Elijah and for the woman and her family. - 1 Kings 17: 13 – 15

Father, here are my tiny little pieces of burnt and smashed bread. I am giving them to you. Take it.

Child-like Faith, Child-like Courage

2007-04-23T09:08:00.000+08:00

She is a 5 year old girl, with faith as mighty as a mustard seed. Together with her older siblings, they went home to their grandmother's house during the Khmer (Cambodian) New Year two weeks ago.
The youngest and tiniest among her siblings, she, boldly 'rebuked' their grandmother for praying to the idols, 'they are the devils!!' she boldly proclaimed!
Such mighty faith, such conviction, such courage.

“ Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”
He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”

Matthew 18:1 – 4

Father, teach me child-like faith and total trust in you. Father, grant me courage and boldness to proclaim your name.

Caught

2007-04-19T18:47:00.000+08:00

The police got her.

Is that you Jesus?

2007-04-13T08:52:00.000+08:00

It was a dark and stormy night. i was down with a high fever, and there, it came! The perpetual 'sister, sister' knock on my door ( hmm, it is like the 2nd one within that hour) – just when i was about to fall asleep. Arrghhh, should i simply ignore it? It persisted and sounded urgent. Reluctantly, i crawled out of bed and answered the knock.

“ There is a lady who speaks only Mandarin wandering alone in the streets in the market. It is not safe. Can you speak to her?” came the request from the stranger.

I asked a few questions, reluctantly got my umbrella and paddled through the muddy streets of jumping frogs.

“ There she is.”

“ Come over to my place for the night. It is not safe out here.” I offered, yearning to return to bed.

“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 7:12.

This verse rang loudly in my mind.

“ Shall i cook you a bowl of noodle?”

She ate. She apparently hasn't bathe nor had a proper meal for days.

I was deeply concerned. Through the bits i gathered from her pieces ( in my very limited Mandarin vocabulary), she traveled without documentation into Cambodia from Vietnam. However she claims that they ( she and her ' revolutionary movement') were given protection by the United Nations (UN) troops, thus they were allowed to move freely between the borders to seek asylum. Many questions remained evaded, more doubts surfaced. I was deeply burdened. What shall i do Lord? Grant me wisdom i pleaded desperately. I was frightened.

“For i was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in .....The king will reply,' I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least brothers of mine, you did for me.'” Matthew 25:35 – 40.

Suddenly it all made sense. Is that you Lord? In spite of all the rational speculations, 'danger' and anxiety involved in keeping her for the night, it suddenly dawned on me – Lord, is that you out there in the stormy night – cold, wet and hungry?

“ Come in my Lord, drink and have a bowl of noodle.”

Our Father's heart for the poor and needy

2007-04-12T10:39:00.000+08:00

Today, i cried again. Even as i am typing this, ceaseless tears are still rolling down.
Why, i ask the Lord, Why? Somehow it seems like my heart is torn, stabbed, broken.

No. This time it wasn't tears of loneliness, fears, frustrations nor anger. It was tears of petitions and pleads.

I was listening to an audio sermon titled 'Helping the poor and needy'. The pastor was sharing about our Father's heart for the poor and needy and the church's community service projects in Singapore. Suddenly, images of the Cambodian villagers – the poor, needy and forgotten flashed before me. Endless tears started streaming down. Why God? I asked. Why? Have you forgotten your children in this land? Where is the help, the social agencies for them? Father, have mercy and extend your grace to us, to the people here.

Cambodia. I had grown to fall in love with the land, with the people. Unknowingly, in the midst of my journey here for the last 2 years, i had subconsciously learned to see beyond their adversities. I see beyond their pains, strength. I see beyond their materialistic poverty, capacity for simple joys. I see beyond their struggles, resilience.I had learned humility.

I was in the village last week where i witnessed the struggles of a family.

A mother's tears.

In my four days staying over in the village, she hasn't changed her clothes nor had a single bath. Her eldest 17 year old son was 'demon possessed' or so the villagers claimed. He was perfectly fine prior and simply snapped after a fever one day. He was violent. He was tied to a bamboo table 24 hours a day. There were scars of self injuries and stretch marks (from the tying)all over his body. In other words, he was unkempt, dirty. In the family's already dire financial state, she had in addition to care for her mentally unsound husband (suspected schizophrenia), and a younger 6 year old son. ( 2 of her middle children were already in the orphanage. We had brought them back to visit their parents for the Khmer New Year.). Tears. She was broken. When I saw her son being tied to the table, my heart cried out to God.

Father, have mercy, extend your grace. Help them, Father. Ease their pains, comfort them. Be their strength.

A son's prayers.

We prayed for him, for the family. Her son actually repeated the words ( in Khmer) numerous times as we prayed, “ Jesus, help me, Jesus, help me.”

Holy Spirit, be with him, be with this family. Help him.

A father's offer.

Dinner in the district hospital. The family barely had enough food for their meals and depended largely on the goodwill of neighbours for their daily provision.
“Have you had your dinner?” asked the father.” Come, join me.”. He offered without calculation, without hesitation.

Father, teach me to do the same.

A brother's arm

We took the youngest 6 year old son back with us in the orphanage. His entire materialistic possession – the pair of faded, torn shorts on his bottoms ( without undergarment) and his overgrown slippers. As we journey on our 6 hour lorry journey back, his elder 14 year old brother simply placed his arm protectively and lovingly over his younger brother. Father, what a sight - such love, such warmth.

Father, teach me to love the poor, the needy, the forgotten. - to love with Your Heart, with such passion and love that comes from you.

Father, teach me to pray for this family, for this land.

" Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed.
Rescue the weak and needy;
deliver them from the hand of the wicked." Psalm 82: 3 - 4

Good Friday

2007-04-07T09:49:00.000+08:00

What does Good Friday holds for you?

Just as there were many who were appalled at him -
his appearance was so disfigured beyond that of any man
and his form marred beyond human likeness
Isaiah 52:14

How Deep the Father's Love for us

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon a cross
My sin upon his shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts no power no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Stuart Townend

He told them, “ This is what is written: The Christ will suffer and rise from the dead on the third day, and repentance and forgiveness of sins will be preached in his name to all nations, beginning at Jerusalem.” Luke 24: 46 - 47

2007-04-01T10:02:00.000+08:00

hi...my first attempt at blogging. I just want to share my life journey with my family and friends back home. ;o)